What is the ego and why it is not the enemy?

Guide
Written By Carolina Starre

Let’s talk about the ego, as it’s a a common misconception: it appears to cause a lot of judgment in the spiritual world, whether someone is coming from ego or not? So let's explore this together. 

Somewhere along the spiritual path, the ego got a bad reputation. It’s often painted as the villain. The thing we must “get rid of,” “transcend,” or “kill off” if we’re ever going to be enlightened/be spiritual.

But here’s the truth:

You don’t need to fight the ego.

You don’t need to destroy it.

You only need to understand it.

And when you do, something beautiful happens.


So… what is the ego?

In the simplest terms, the ego is the part of the mind that believes it is separate.

It’s the identity you’ve built over time, shaped by experiences, memories, conditioning, roles and beliefs. It’s the internal voice that says:

“This is who I am.”

“This is my story.”

“This is how life works.”

The ego is not evil. It didn’t appear to ruin your peace. It formed early in life as a protective mechanism, helping you navigate the world, feel a sense of belonging, survive, and make sense of things.

It’s very practical. Very human. And very misunderstood.

The ego’s job (even when it gets it wrong)

The ego’s primary role is safety.

It wants to:

  • Protect you from pain

  • Avoid rejection or loss

  • Maintain control and predictability

  • Preserve a consistent sense of “me”

So it watches carefully. It compares. It judges. It plans. It worries. It clings. It resists.

Not because it’s cruel but because it’s afraid.

When you see this, compassion and awareness naturally arise.

Why the ego feels so loud sometimes

You’ll notice the ego gets particularly noisy when:

  • You feel rejected, criticised or unseen

  • Something threatens your identity or role

  • You’re stepping into the unknown

  • You’re deeply attached to an outcome

In those moments, the ego panics a little.

It tightens. It tells stories. It demands reassurance.

And if you’re not aware, you may mistake its voice for truth.

But that’s where awareness comes in.

Ego vs Awareness (this changes everything)

Here’s a simple but life-changing distinction:

The ego speaks.

Awareness listens.

The ego is made of thoughts, stories, labels, judgements and interpretations.

Awareness is the quiet presence that notices those thoughts.

If you can observe a thought, it cannot be who you are.

Take a moment now.

Notice the next thought that arises.

Did you create it?

Or did it simply appear?

And who is noticing it?

That noticing presence, that is closer to your true Self than anything the ego says.

You don’t remove the ego, you outgrow identification with it

One of the most significant spiritual misunderstandings is the idea of “ego death.”

The ego doesn’t actually die. What dissolves is your identification with it.

You stop believing every thought. You stop defending every story.

You stop needing to be right, validated, or certain. The ego may still speak but it no longer runs the show.

It becomes a helpful tool rather than a tyrant.

The ego loves the past and the future

Notice where the ego spends most of its time:

  • Replaying the past

  • Rewriting conversations

  • Projecting worst-case scenarios

  • Chasing future versions of happiness

Awareness, on the other hand, lives here.

In this breath.

In this moment.

In what is actually happening now.

Presence softens the ego naturally without effort.

Ego in relationships

Relationships are where the ego really shows itself.

The ego wants:

  • To be chosen

  • To be special

  • To be right

  • To be secure

So when the connection feels threatened, the ego reacts:

  • Defensiveness

  • Withdrawal

  • Over-giving

  • Control

  • Fear of abandonment

Awareness doesn’t judge this.

It simply notices: “Ah… protection is happening.”

And in that noticing, space opens.

Choice returns.

Love flows more freely. Peace becomes more apparent.

The ego is not the enemy; unconsciousness is.

The problem isn’t having an ego.

The problem is being unaware of it.

When the ego operates unconsciously, it feels like you.

When it’s seen, it loosens.

Awareness is the great liberator.

Not force.

Not fixing.

Not self-improvement.

Just seeing.

Try this instead:

Instead of battling the ego:

  • Notice it kindly

  • Thank it for trying to protect you

  • Don’t argue with its stories

  • Don’t shame yourself for having it

Simply return to presence.

Again.

And again.

And again.

This is where the practice is.

A Soul-Level Reframe

Here’s a reframe that brings peace:

The ego is a character.

You are the consciousness watching the story unfold.

When you remember this, life becomes lighter.

You can play your roles.

Enjoy your personality.

Engage with the world.

Without losing yourself in it.

A quiet reflection to close

The next time a strong thought or emotional reaction arises, pause and gently ask:

“Who is noticing this?”

Then rest there.

Not in judgment.

Not in analysis.

Not in fixing.

Just in being.

That is where freedom lives.

And from that place, the ego finally relaxes because it realises it was never meant to carry the weight of who you truly are.

Enjoy being you, for you.

Carolina Starre
Next

The Quantum Slit Experiment